OH! THOSE BEASTS !

BAT STORY

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood and parked himself on
the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood
and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get
some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

NAUGHTY PARROTS

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and
tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots
but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?"
the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the
priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may
have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will
put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots
can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure
your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no
time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may
very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two
male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of
seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison,
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and said,
"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been
answered!"

THE BLONDE AND THE SHEEP

A blonde decided that she was tired
of her empty life. She
cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.
She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would
change her life.
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer
who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped
her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her
first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer,
"your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could
I have one." The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.
"637", said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact
number, but lived up to his bargain.
"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the
real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

THE FROG AND THE MAD SCIENTIST

There once was this mad scientist. One day,
being curious of
the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened
his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring
at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist
finally said: "JUMP!"
And the frog leapt.
The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book:
"Frogs can jump."
The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked
his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared
at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the
frog legs and said: "JUMP!"
And the frog leapt.
The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump
with three legs."
The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went
through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog
legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was
missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!"
And the frog leapt.
The scientist then added to his previous observations:
"Frogs can jump with two legs."
On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to
his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then
expectantly said: "JUMP!"
And the frog leapt.
Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all
this. He wrote down in his log book:
"Frogs can jump with only one leg!"
Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab,
already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make.
As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the
table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for
his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs.
He then said: "JUMP!"
But alas the frog did not leap.
"JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist.
Still, the frog did not leap.
"JUMP!" yelled the scientist.
The frog did not leap.
The scientist, a little disappointed, finally wrote down in
his log book:
"Frogs, when deprived of all legs, become deaf."

THE TWO FARMERS AND THE PIGS

Two farmers from a small town outside of Little Rock,
Arkansas were walking home together after each purchased a
pig. One said to the other "How are we going to tell them
apart?" The other answered, " We'll cut the left ear off of
yours." After a while the pigs got in a fight and after
they had both bitten off each other's ears. "Now what are
we going to do?" one asked to the other. "We'll cut the
tail off of mine." A little while later the pigs got in
another fight and at the end of it they both were missing
their tails. "What will we do now?" one asked again. After
giving it some thought one said "We'll cut the leg off of
yours." "That is not humane!" the other cried. So after
some more thought he said "Well, let's just call the white
one yours and the black one mine."

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