Late one night, a burglar broke into a house
he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when
he heard a loud v
"Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar
crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was
frightened. Frantically, he looked all
around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who
said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief,
and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot,"
sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
The parrot said, "The same idiot who
named the Rottweiller Jesus."
SLEEPING IN CHURCH
A man and wife attended church one evening,
and the wife decided that it was time to stop her
husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took
her hat pin and decided she would poke him
every time he fell asleep.
Right about the first time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who created the
Universe?" The wife poked her husband
and he awakes and yells, "My God!"
The second time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who died on the
cross for you?" She pokes her husband
and he screams, "Jesus Christ!"
The third time, the Preacher asks,
" And what did Eve say to Adam after she
bore him his 99th son?""
The wife pokes her husband and he jumps
up and yells, "By God, if you poke me
with that thing one more time,
I am going to break it ".
"GATES" OF HELL
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if
it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
"Fine" said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to
a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I
believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
and the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"That was the DEMO," replied God
A LITTLE SLIP
Sister Margaret died and through some error
found herself in
hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is
Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She
explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get
right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she
called him again. "Please set this error straight before
tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight,
and everyone 'must' attend!"
"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following
morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell.
He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and
started to listen.
She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for
about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.
Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the
doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to
health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for
directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor,
he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the
missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when
I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a
special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to
make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets
On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.
Then he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts
trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank
God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything
he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally
he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in
the saddle and says, "Thank God".
THE IRISH PRIEST AND ELVIS
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church
for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has
never been married and he is curious as to what an American
endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States
before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.
He arrives at the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up
to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew
you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at
her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not
Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in
his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take
me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says,
"Sure thing, sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't
dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets
his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my
God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're
back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything
just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter
and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers
and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says,
"Thank you... Thank you very much!"
THE OLD LADY AND THE BAPTIST CHURCH
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always
quite delicate and elegant,
especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week"s
vacation in Florida., so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn"t quite
know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation she finally
came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote
that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all
over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode
merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the
letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That
B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he
showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady
meant, either. So the campground owner, fianlly coming to the conclusion that
the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and
wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now
take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of
the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it
is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no
doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take
their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay
late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The
last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had
to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that
right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it
pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack
of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort,
particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the
first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community!!
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